I feel lighter. I feel softer. For the first time in the last 3 months I feel peace. Its so sweet I can almost taste it.
I’ve been trying SO hard to be something, or to not be something, that really I’ve just been trying to be anything but myself. I have been so confused and paralyzed in my own worry and doubt about who I am that I started to doubt all that God has for me. I’ve wanted someone else to tell me who I am so that I could be that person and know I was accepted. I thought I was trying to “better” myself when really I have just been hiding myself out of fear. Then the quest to “better” myself started to lead me to no were but desolation and more fear. I got so confused about who I am, I couldn’t tell what was me and what was the “me” I was trying to be. I was failing at my quest and that's all I knew. So I assumed that because I felt like I was failing all those around me ( Christians) were pointing and saying “ Your not enough”. These are my friends who I love SOOO much and I bought into the lie that they were scoffing and judging me. That they had expectations of me and that I was failing miserably. I don’t know how I got so blind. I don’t know how I became so captive, but I did. I bought the lies I was being sold without even knowing at the time I was doing it.
The devil attacked my weakness’s and from there I fell faster than I even knew I could. I got to the place were I couldn’t even hear truth. People would speak it and I couldn’t hear it because I was so confused. God intervened. It had to stop He had to reach me. He did. All that had confused me all that had held me He demolished in one day. By the simplest conversations with a friend. He knew what I needed to hear, who I would hear it from, and when I was ready to receive it. If it had come a moment sooner or a moment later I would be just as deaf and confused today. God is so amazing!
I want so bad to just be able to rush up to Him and hug Him. To dance for Him to sing for Him. He is faithful. I may no be able to physically hug Him but I can still dance and sing for Him. It makes me happy. Its been so long sense I have felt free from the fear of rejection. Its the most beautiful feeling. I don’t have to strive anymore, my striving was in vain. All that I wanted to attain, beauty, wisdom, strength, I find in Him. He dwells in Me. Its all here, “seek Me with all your heart and you will find Me”. The best part about that “ Im being chased by the vary one I pursue”. I don’t have to better myself Im lovely just the way I am. No longer will I be distracted with striving. Im not seeking God when I think I need to better myself. Im ignoring God when I do that because He made me and delights in me and loves me and that's all I need. AHHH its so beautiful!!! I can hear Him again. I don’t feel the need to hide. Its wonderful, Im so in love! Im in love with the vary essence of love. I feel content and PEACEFUL.
I know challenges will come again, I go from one end of the spectrum all the way to the other. However I learn every time, I get closer to Him every time. He never leaves me. Just when I feel I can’t go an other step He’s right there in front of me. He is faithful.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Shh Its Late
Some times I love staying up late. My mind takes off with me and leads me to one of two places. Absolute desolation or pure optimism. Tonight Im feeling rather optimistic.
With all the pain I have come to encounter in life, my heart stills refuses to let go of the possibility that life holds something mystical and joyful. Some call it denial, I like to call it beauty. Life has so MANY choices and dilemmas and situations that need working out and thought. The pressure to what's right fills every moment. The need to do what's right for my heart haunts me. Stopping me from doing stupid things out of pure overwhelmed “I just don’t know what to do anymore” ness.
I like to put myself in a box. The “heart box” as my beloved Nicole might say. I take all my desires and emotions and frustrations and shove them in a box. I close it up tight and hope for the best. Its products; Depression, bitterness, more frustration, self doubt and over all constriction. I get so unbearably lonely. I try and do something about it, but I can’t because there is no remedy for it. Its a curse that will follow me for some time to come. It scares me to admit that.
However then this is were the optimism comes in. If it didn’t I would just be a basket case all the time and not just most of it haha. I like me, I like even my heart box. Because its all apart of me. Every stupid irrational thing I do reflects me. I am quite complicated and really I like it that way. Every human being is. Though Im the only one that's screwed up in the way I am, because I am the only me. Im the only one who will finds joy in the way I do the in things I do, because I am the only me. Honestly if you don’t think that Im awesome well....screw you because I am awesome.
Someday I will experience my own little taste of heaven on earth. I will fall madly in love. I will be the classic “girl in love” or “twiterpated” ( I watched bambi 2 the other night) I flaunt and laugh and really not care about what anyone else thinks. The best thing I have realized is that I don’t have to wait till I fall in love.
My life sucks so much some times and even when Im happy its just “happy” not joyful. I know that even if Im free and joyful there will be things that will mess it up. No avoiding it, but why not give it a try? Why not try liking who I am? Sounds good to me. Because no matter how sucky this life gets I just cannot give up on the possibility its worth living. That there is something wonderful and beautiful behind it all. Im looking for it and yes I can see it some times. People. I see it in people. I love to explore peoples minds, hearts, and souls. So much beauty there. That's what makes me optimistic.
I still have my defense mechanisms. I do I ever have those. My newest one to add to the collection. Hate. If ya hate em you wont love em! Its working so far. Oh well I’ll worry about those at an other time. For right now its 2 am on a friday night. There is some rather odd music playing on my tv and I feel really good. Just because I have decided to. Because its never as bad as it seems and Im going to keep telling myself that. Im all I need to be......someday....I’ll believe it, for now.......I pretend to. HAHA what I random blog I love it!!! The sweet disillusion of my dreamy mind.
Goodnight
With all the pain I have come to encounter in life, my heart stills refuses to let go of the possibility that life holds something mystical and joyful. Some call it denial, I like to call it beauty. Life has so MANY choices and dilemmas and situations that need working out and thought. The pressure to what's right fills every moment. The need to do what's right for my heart haunts me. Stopping me from doing stupid things out of pure overwhelmed “I just don’t know what to do anymore” ness.
I like to put myself in a box. The “heart box” as my beloved Nicole might say. I take all my desires and emotions and frustrations and shove them in a box. I close it up tight and hope for the best. Its products; Depression, bitterness, more frustration, self doubt and over all constriction. I get so unbearably lonely. I try and do something about it, but I can’t because there is no remedy for it. Its a curse that will follow me for some time to come. It scares me to admit that.
However then this is were the optimism comes in. If it didn’t I would just be a basket case all the time and not just most of it haha. I like me, I like even my heart box. Because its all apart of me. Every stupid irrational thing I do reflects me. I am quite complicated and really I like it that way. Every human being is. Though Im the only one that's screwed up in the way I am, because I am the only me. Im the only one who will finds joy in the way I do the in things I do, because I am the only me. Honestly if you don’t think that Im awesome well....screw you because I am awesome.
Someday I will experience my own little taste of heaven on earth. I will fall madly in love. I will be the classic “girl in love” or “twiterpated” ( I watched bambi 2 the other night) I flaunt and laugh and really not care about what anyone else thinks. The best thing I have realized is that I don’t have to wait till I fall in love.
My life sucks so much some times and even when Im happy its just “happy” not joyful. I know that even if Im free and joyful there will be things that will mess it up. No avoiding it, but why not give it a try? Why not try liking who I am? Sounds good to me. Because no matter how sucky this life gets I just cannot give up on the possibility its worth living. That there is something wonderful and beautiful behind it all. Im looking for it and yes I can see it some times. People. I see it in people. I love to explore peoples minds, hearts, and souls. So much beauty there. That's what makes me optimistic.
I still have my defense mechanisms. I do I ever have those. My newest one to add to the collection. Hate. If ya hate em you wont love em! Its working so far. Oh well I’ll worry about those at an other time. For right now its 2 am on a friday night. There is some rather odd music playing on my tv and I feel really good. Just because I have decided to. Because its never as bad as it seems and Im going to keep telling myself that. Im all I need to be......someday....I’ll believe it, for now.......I pretend to. HAHA what I random blog I love it!!! The sweet disillusion of my dreamy mind.
Goodnight
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Hungry for Confidence
Confidence. That word seems to be my down fall. Instead of gaining it I slip deeper and deeper into uncertainty. Is it even possible to stop doubting myself? Who I am, what I do, what I look like? I base all I do on the reactions that I get from those around me. Majority winning, passing their judgment, stamping me with there verdict and me not even bothering to question it. It leaves me unhappy and frustrated. Especially when I feel so strongly about what I have expressed. It makes sense to me it, makes me come alive and brings me joy. However if its looked down upon then it must be a mistake.
I struggle with my feelings of inferiority. I feel small, young, and that I could not possibly be confident in myself and my opinions because Im not yet old enough to be a person with knowledge of the ways of life. My opinions and passions are not considered “developed in maturity”.
I have such a passion for relationships and seeing men and women BE MEN and WOMEN to their fullest. I have so many opinion's on this, so much that I believe to be truth. They burn inside of me and yet I cannot share. What would I know about relationships? What would I know about being the man or woman God created us to be? I’ve been in the midst of relationships full of turmoil my whole life. Seeing men and women bound by fear and uncertainty it blinds them for enjoying each other. It robs the men of the strength they have and woman of the beauty they have. I have sought to understand this and how to get rid of it. I could go into all that I have been shown and believe God has reveal to me through all the circumstances I have watched and been in. I have watched far more than I have been in. Im afraid to express my opinions because they really though I find them beautiful and full if life and freedom and nakedness, others might find “scandalous” or “liberal”. However none of my opinions go against any morals we Christians have. Just some if the “boundaries” this society has. How we are bound to these.
This is were my confidence fails. How can I proceed to speak out when few will hear me? I feel like Im being put in a box to be honest! By the people who are supposed to be....haha I don’t know what the frig their supposed to be. Beyond human?? That's a little harsh, however now Im letting my frustration show. Heather's to scandalous, Heather's to open, Heather's to...human.
I feel like Im being told to shut up because what I have to say is scary because its beyond the comfort zone on a personal level and socail some times. I want to say to the church. Stop putting Men in box’s and telling them there to be TAME. Stop putting women in lakes of “innocence” and tell them not to be scandalous, seductive vulnerable and strong. Instead we take this word call “purity” and turn it from being something beautiful and use it as a leash on which leadership can control the young men and woman of their churches.
That was my rant for the night. However its to much...it will be misunderstood by some. So I bottle it up inside and let it eat away at me. What I cannot express leaves me empty. I have no confidence in what Im made of and that enrages me. Im so afraid of being misunderstood. When people make me feel inferior I want to scream and pound them in the chest. “ Can’t you see me!!! Can’t you hear me!! ME!! Respect me, find beauty in who I am. Stop labeling me as something Im not.”
So I reach for some way to validate me. I know who I am in the inside and I take joy in what I find there. Its getting every one else to see it that destroys me. If Im ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL maybe what I say will be herd and respected. Its a sad way to think....and I hate that I feel that way. Like Im not enough when I know I am.
My biggest fear is being outcast by some of the people around me. To have them look down on me and say....”oh Heather”. I fear people see me as the “girlie girl” who loves boys and is a flirt and shallow. The only reason I like to be close guys is because their strength makes me feel at ease. Not because I want to steal them away from their girlfriends or cause the to stumble. Or because I have some sick agenda to seduce them so I can feed off their masculinity. I feel like Im see as the “whore” some times. Obviously not in the physical sense.
My thoughts are getting confused and Im feeling the presser of fear telling me that I have said to much. That yet again I will fail and no one will ever see me for who I am. When I hear people tell me have all it is I need. I want so badly to believe them. I want so badly to let all my fear go and embrace myself...who I am. Im just so afraid to accept myself for who I am incase who I am is wrong. Why do I let my fear of abandonment cripple my vary essence? What am I holding on to?
I struggle with my feelings of inferiority. I feel small, young, and that I could not possibly be confident in myself and my opinions because Im not yet old enough to be a person with knowledge of the ways of life. My opinions and passions are not considered “developed in maturity”.
I have such a passion for relationships and seeing men and women BE MEN and WOMEN to their fullest. I have so many opinion's on this, so much that I believe to be truth. They burn inside of me and yet I cannot share. What would I know about relationships? What would I know about being the man or woman God created us to be? I’ve been in the midst of relationships full of turmoil my whole life. Seeing men and women bound by fear and uncertainty it blinds them for enjoying each other. It robs the men of the strength they have and woman of the beauty they have. I have sought to understand this and how to get rid of it. I could go into all that I have been shown and believe God has reveal to me through all the circumstances I have watched and been in. I have watched far more than I have been in. Im afraid to express my opinions because they really though I find them beautiful and full if life and freedom and nakedness, others might find “scandalous” or “liberal”. However none of my opinions go against any morals we Christians have. Just some if the “boundaries” this society has. How we are bound to these.
This is were my confidence fails. How can I proceed to speak out when few will hear me? I feel like Im being put in a box to be honest! By the people who are supposed to be....haha I don’t know what the frig their supposed to be. Beyond human?? That's a little harsh, however now Im letting my frustration show. Heather's to scandalous, Heather's to open, Heather's to...human.
I feel like Im being told to shut up because what I have to say is scary because its beyond the comfort zone on a personal level and socail some times. I want to say to the church. Stop putting Men in box’s and telling them there to be TAME. Stop putting women in lakes of “innocence” and tell them not to be scandalous, seductive vulnerable and strong. Instead we take this word call “purity” and turn it from being something beautiful and use it as a leash on which leadership can control the young men and woman of their churches.
That was my rant for the night. However its to much...it will be misunderstood by some. So I bottle it up inside and let it eat away at me. What I cannot express leaves me empty. I have no confidence in what Im made of and that enrages me. Im so afraid of being misunderstood. When people make me feel inferior I want to scream and pound them in the chest. “ Can’t you see me!!! Can’t you hear me!! ME!! Respect me, find beauty in who I am. Stop labeling me as something Im not.”
So I reach for some way to validate me. I know who I am in the inside and I take joy in what I find there. Its getting every one else to see it that destroys me. If Im ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL maybe what I say will be herd and respected. Its a sad way to think....and I hate that I feel that way. Like Im not enough when I know I am.
My biggest fear is being outcast by some of the people around me. To have them look down on me and say....”oh Heather”. I fear people see me as the “girlie girl” who loves boys and is a flirt and shallow. The only reason I like to be close guys is because their strength makes me feel at ease. Not because I want to steal them away from their girlfriends or cause the to stumble. Or because I have some sick agenda to seduce them so I can feed off their masculinity. I feel like Im see as the “whore” some times. Obviously not in the physical sense.
My thoughts are getting confused and Im feeling the presser of fear telling me that I have said to much. That yet again I will fail and no one will ever see me for who I am. When I hear people tell me have all it is I need. I want so badly to believe them. I want so badly to let all my fear go and embrace myself...who I am. Im just so afraid to accept myself for who I am incase who I am is wrong. Why do I let my fear of abandonment cripple my vary essence? What am I holding on to?
Monday, February 20, 2006
Bored
Im hiding in the world inside my head and I am completely aware of it. Indulging in my fantasy world were I control all outcomes. Im spending so much time there, away from my friends and family because its boring.
Im bored. I have no objectives, I have nothing to work toward to try and capture. I put my mask on and walk into the life around me without the goal of wanting to take it off. That's usually the goal. We feel like we can’t live without are mask’s but more so we know we can’t live with them. We long to be naked and free. So we search for a person who we long to accept us and love our nakedness as we want to show them we will love theirs. That's the goal, that's the objective.
As of right now Im bored because I honestly don’t care if the people that are around right now see the naked me or not. I don’t feel the want to be vulnerable with any of them. I don’t want to capture any of their attention.
They don’t intrigue me. They don’t have the mystery I desperately seek to find just so it can mystify me. I want to explore and see if I can captivate the unattainable. Right now there is nothing I wish to attain. Im bored. So I live in my head were maybe I can find some mystery some were. I analyze myself and my motives and my wants. Trying to go deeper and deeper into myself just to find something of interest and remembering that I don’t have anyone I care to share this with who would be captivated by it and go back to being bored again.
In my boredom with life I have become a health freak. There's nothing better to do so why not try and reach physical perfection...well maybe not quite that far but almost. So when the time comes and my interest is sparked again and I have some mystery I want to try and obtain at least the outside will meet all the standards. So I fill my bored with sweat and fruit.
I don’t have the want to take any risk in the relationships around me. I feel as if it would be pointless because I could not obtain any unconditional love from it. There are those who are my best friends and Im always open with and naked with. However they are safe and comfortable, this good for the relationship I have with them.
Though Im a person who loves uncomfortableness, who loves confrontation and excitement. Who loves to take risk when maybe, just maybe this risk might be the risk were I capture all I hope to.
There is no such risk to be taken at the moment. I don’t desire to take that risk for a while now. Im still recovering for the last time I took that plunge. So Im bored. I have nothing to fight for nothing in reality that sparks my being to come alive to the fullest. So Im here writing blogs and eating salads. Living in my head and rotting with the dead decaying hopes inside of me. Im bored.......
Im bored. I have no objectives, I have nothing to work toward to try and capture. I put my mask on and walk into the life around me without the goal of wanting to take it off. That's usually the goal. We feel like we can’t live without are mask’s but more so we know we can’t live with them. We long to be naked and free. So we search for a person who we long to accept us and love our nakedness as we want to show them we will love theirs. That's the goal, that's the objective.
As of right now Im bored because I honestly don’t care if the people that are around right now see the naked me or not. I don’t feel the want to be vulnerable with any of them. I don’t want to capture any of their attention.
They don’t intrigue me. They don’t have the mystery I desperately seek to find just so it can mystify me. I want to explore and see if I can captivate the unattainable. Right now there is nothing I wish to attain. Im bored. So I live in my head were maybe I can find some mystery some were. I analyze myself and my motives and my wants. Trying to go deeper and deeper into myself just to find something of interest and remembering that I don’t have anyone I care to share this with who would be captivated by it and go back to being bored again.
In my boredom with life I have become a health freak. There's nothing better to do so why not try and reach physical perfection...well maybe not quite that far but almost. So when the time comes and my interest is sparked again and I have some mystery I want to try and obtain at least the outside will meet all the standards. So I fill my bored with sweat and fruit.
I don’t have the want to take any risk in the relationships around me. I feel as if it would be pointless because I could not obtain any unconditional love from it. There are those who are my best friends and Im always open with and naked with. However they are safe and comfortable, this good for the relationship I have with them.
Though Im a person who loves uncomfortableness, who loves confrontation and excitement. Who loves to take risk when maybe, just maybe this risk might be the risk were I capture all I hope to.
There is no such risk to be taken at the moment. I don’t desire to take that risk for a while now. Im still recovering for the last time I took that plunge. So Im bored. I have nothing to fight for nothing in reality that sparks my being to come alive to the fullest. So Im here writing blogs and eating salads. Living in my head and rotting with the dead decaying hopes inside of me. Im bored.......
Im Now a Blogger
Well Myspace blogs were just not good enough anymore. Im always wanting to exspress myself in some way of words and I want a page completely dedicated to that. So here it is. This took me some time to get put to gether and now I have things to do. Some other time I will post something profound and thoughtful.
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