He Is Faithful

I feel lighter. I feel softer. For the first time in the last 3 months I feel peace. Its so sweet I can almost taste it.
I’ve been trying SO hard to be something, or to not be something, that really I’ve just been trying to be anything but myself. I have been so confused and paralyzed in my own worry and doubt about who I am that I started to doubt all that God has for me. I’ve wanted someone else to tell me who I am so that I could be that person and know I was accepted. I thought I was trying to “better” myself when really I have just been hiding myself out of fear. Then the quest to “better” myself started to lead me to no were but desolation and more fear. I got so confused about who I am, I couldn’t tell what was me and what was the “me” I was trying to be. I was failing at my quest and that's all I knew. So I assumed that because I felt like I was failing all those around me ( Christians) were pointing and saying “ Your not enough”. These are my friends who I love SOOO much and I bought into the lie that they were scoffing and judging me. That they had expectations of me and that I was failing miserably. I don’t know how I got so blind. I don’t know how I became so captive, but I did. I bought the lies I was being sold without even knowing at the time I was doing it.
The devil attacked my weakness’s and from there I fell faster than I even knew I could. I got to the place were I couldn’t even hear truth. People would speak it and I couldn’t hear it because I was so confused. God intervened. It had to stop He had to reach me. He did. All that had confused me all that had held me He demolished in one day. By the simplest conversations with a friend. He knew what I needed to hear, who I would hear it from, and when I was ready to receive it. If it had come a moment sooner or a moment later I would be just as deaf and confused today. God is so amazing!
I want so bad to just be able to rush up to Him and hug Him. To dance for Him to sing for Him. He is faithful. I may no be able to physically hug Him but I can still dance and sing for Him. It makes me happy. Its been so long sense I have felt free from the fear of rejection. Its the most beautiful feeling. I don’t have to strive anymore, my striving was in vain. All that I wanted to attain, beauty, wisdom, strength, I find in Him. He dwells in Me. Its all here, “seek Me with all your heart and you will find Me”. The best part about that “ Im being chased by the vary one I pursue”. I don’t have to better myself Im lovely just the way I am. No longer will I be distracted with striving. Im not seeking God when I think I need to better myself. Im ignoring God when I do that because He made me and delights in me and loves me and that's all I need. AHHH its so beautiful!!! I can hear Him again. I don’t feel the need to hide. Its wonderful, Im so in love! Im in love with the vary essence of love. I feel content and PEACEFUL.
I know challenges will come again, I go from one end of the spectrum all the way to the other. However I learn every time, I get closer to Him every time. He never leaves me. Just when I feel I can’t go an other step He’s right there in front of me. He is faithful.