Shh Its Late

Some times I love staying up late. My mind takes off with me and leads me to one of two places. Absolute desolation or pure optimism. Tonight Im feeling rather optimistic.
With all the pain I have come to encounter in life, my heart stills refuses to let go of the possibility that life holds something mystical and joyful. Some call it denial, I like to call it beauty. Life has so MANY choices and dilemmas and situations that need working out and thought. The pressure to what's right fills every moment. The need to do what's right for my heart haunts me. Stopping me from doing stupid things out of pure overwhelmed “I just don’t know what to do anymore” ness.
I like to put myself in a box. The “heart box” as my beloved Nicole might say. I take all my desires and emotions and frustrations and shove them in a box. I close it up tight and hope for the best. Its products; Depression, bitterness, more frustration, self doubt and over all constriction. I get so unbearably lonely. I try and do something about it, but I can’t because there is no remedy for it. Its a curse that will follow me for some time to come. It scares me to admit that.
However then this is were the optimism comes in. If it didn’t I would just be a basket case all the time and not just most of it haha. I like me, I like even my heart box. Because its all apart of me. Every stupid irrational thing I do reflects me. I am quite complicated and really I like it that way. Every human being is. Though Im the only one that's screwed up in the way I am, because I am the only me. Im the only one who will finds joy in the way I do the in things I do, because I am the only me. Honestly if you don’t think that Im awesome well....screw you because I am awesome.
Someday I will experience my own little taste of heaven on earth. I will fall madly in love. I will be the classic “girl in love” or “twiterpated” ( I watched bambi 2 the other night) I flaunt and laugh and really not care about what anyone else thinks. The best thing I have realized is that I don’t have to wait till I fall in love.
My life sucks so much some times and even when Im happy its just “happy” not joyful. I know that even if Im free and joyful there will be things that will mess it up. No avoiding it, but why not give it a try? Why not try liking who I am? Sounds good to me. Because no matter how sucky this life gets I just cannot give up on the possibility its worth living. That there is something wonderful and beautiful behind it all. Im looking for it and yes I can see it some times. People. I see it in people. I love to explore peoples minds, hearts, and souls. So much beauty there. That's what makes me optimistic.
I still have my defense mechanisms. I do I ever have those. My newest one to add to the collection. Hate. If ya hate em you wont love em! Its working so far. Oh well I’ll worry about those at an other time. For right now its 2 am on a friday night. There is some rather odd music playing on my tv and I feel really good. Just because I have decided to. Because its never as bad as it seems and Im going to keep telling myself that. Im all I need to be......someday....I’ll believe it, for now.......I pretend to. HAHA what I random blog I love it!!! The sweet disillusion of my dreamy mind.
Goodnight