Hungry for Confidence

Confidence. That word seems to be my down fall. Instead of gaining it I slip deeper and deeper into uncertainty. Is it even possible to stop doubting myself? Who I am, what I do, what I look like? I base all I do on the reactions that I get from those around me. Majority winning, passing their judgment, stamping me with there verdict and me not even bothering to question it. It leaves me unhappy and frustrated. Especially when I feel so strongly about what I have expressed. It makes sense to me it, makes me come alive and brings me joy. However if its looked down upon then it must be a mistake.
I struggle with my feelings of inferiority. I feel small, young, and that I could not possibly be confident in myself and my opinions because Im not yet old enough to be a person with knowledge of the ways of life. My opinions and passions are not considered “developed in maturity”.
I have such a passion for relationships and seeing men and women BE MEN and WOMEN to their fullest. I have so many opinion's on this, so much that I believe to be truth. They burn inside of me and yet I cannot share. What would I know about relationships? What would I know about being the man or woman God created us to be? I’ve been in the midst of relationships full of turmoil my whole life. Seeing men and women bound by fear and uncertainty it blinds them for enjoying each other. It robs the men of the strength they have and woman of the beauty they have. I have sought to understand this and how to get rid of it. I could go into all that I have been shown and believe God has reveal to me through all the circumstances I have watched and been in. I have watched far more than I have been in. Im afraid to express my opinions because they really though I find them beautiful and full if life and freedom and nakedness, others might find “scandalous” or “liberal”. However none of my opinions go against any morals we Christians have. Just some if the “boundaries” this society has. How we are bound to these.
This is were my confidence fails. How can I proceed to speak out when few will hear me? I feel like Im being put in a box to be honest! By the people who are supposed to be....haha I don’t know what the frig their supposed to be. Beyond human?? That's a little harsh, however now Im letting my frustration show. Heather's to scandalous, Heather's to open, Heather's to...human.
I feel like Im being told to shut up because what I have to say is scary because its beyond the comfort zone on a personal level and socail some times. I want to say to the church. Stop putting Men in box’s and telling them there to be TAME. Stop putting women in lakes of “innocence” and tell them not to be scandalous, seductive vulnerable and strong. Instead we take this word call “purity” and turn it from being something beautiful and use it as a leash on which leadership can control the young men and woman of their churches.
That was my rant for the night. However its to much...it will be misunderstood by some. So I bottle it up inside and let it eat away at me. What I cannot express leaves me empty. I have no confidence in what Im made of and that enrages me. Im so afraid of being misunderstood. When people make me feel inferior I want to scream and pound them in the chest. “ Can’t you see me!!! Can’t you hear me!! ME!! Respect me, find beauty in who I am. Stop labeling me as something Im not.”
So I reach for some way to validate me. I know who I am in the inside and I take joy in what I find there. Its getting every one else to see it that destroys me. If Im ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL maybe what I say will be herd and respected. Its a sad way to think....and I hate that I feel that way. Like Im not enough when I know I am.
My biggest fear is being outcast by some of the people around me. To have them look down on me and say....”oh Heather”. I fear people see me as the “girlie girl” who loves boys and is a flirt and shallow. The only reason I like to be close guys is because their strength makes me feel at ease. Not because I want to steal them away from their girlfriends or cause the to stumble. Or because I have some sick agenda to seduce them so I can feed off their masculinity. I feel like Im see as the “whore” some times. Obviously not in the physical sense.
My thoughts are getting confused and Im feeling the presser of fear telling me that I have said to much. That yet again I will fail and no one will ever see me for who I am. When I hear people tell me have all it is I need. I want so badly to believe them. I want so badly to let all my fear go and embrace myself...who I am. Im just so afraid to accept myself for who I am incase who I am is wrong. Why do I let my fear of abandonment cripple my vary essence? What am I holding on to?