Are your toes wet?

Are your toes wet?

Ok so last night Im at Katie's, people are worshiping and praying and its good, except that Im completely silent.
This might appear to be normal for me, but its a lie. Things were rising up in me and I wanted to scream them out. Speak vision and revelation. Let God use me to unleash a spirit of contending for His presence . To even just cry out for His desire for me. To cry out in pursuit of Him.
Still I was silent. As I started worshiping it got worse. I felt like there was an other person inside me, pushing on the walls of my shell of fear of man, wanting to be unleashed. It would get so bad I could feel it peak in my throat and then as soon as refused to speak, it was if I had swallowed in back into submission and it disappeared. I would start worshiping again, it would happen again...but more intense. Still I wouldn’t speak.
Then “The Vision” was read. I couldn’t speak...I sobbed. There were no words at that moment, only the most intense emotion I have felt it a vary long time. I wanted it. I wanted to grasp that vision and live it. At that moment I realized what was trying to get out of me was me. It was the me that lives only for Christ. It was who God created me to be. The closer I get to Him the more that person comes alive. Its Christ in me. I was beating it down, swallowing it, refusing to embrace absolute beauty and life because I was afraid of all the people in the room. People who are seeking after the same thing!!!! How ludicrous is that?
So many people live this way. Christians. We can’t live a life of sin, we know it doesn’t work. When we get closer to God, to the place were it gets uncomfortable for our flesh we back off. We live this life of mediocre seeking when it comes to God because we are afraid to let our flesh get uncomfortable and die.
Being a servant of God calls for radical, dangerous, Freedom in Christ. Nothing else matters except living for Him. Being walking examples if His love. Our flesh desires acceptance, to belong. I don’t want to “belong” I want to be LOVED. I want to bring light in dark places because I live and breathe Christ. That makes my flesh uncomfortable because I know the sacrifice that's going to have to take place. Its time for our flesh to die. To stop getting our toes wet so we can feel some what alive, and dive in. Am I going to lose a lot...yes more than likely, Im I afraid....YES. However I want it all, I want to be on fire 24/7 with the love of God. I want to content for it. To wrestle for my blessing. He means so much more to me than anything else. This is going to be hard and I might fall down, but I will not stop getting back up. He is pursing me at every turn of my life and I can no longer ignore Him out of “fear of man”.