Im such a flurry of emtions right now. God is doing wonderful things in my life and in my heart. He rising up new things in me and speaking new revalations in me.
Im more free now than I have been in ages.
There is always this one particular situation that arises when I draw closer to God that causes me great suffering. I want to let it go, I want to let its slip into a corner of my mind and dissapear into the abyss. I want to kill it. I want it to die. My spirit is unsettled and I can't grab a hold of an ultimate peace. I want to desire this no more and be completely free. Its not a sinful desire, so Im finding it harder to deal with for that reason. Its just hope for a hopeless cause. Just saying that makes tears leap to my eyes. I can't figure out my own motives behind my desire and that frustrates me. I wish that were a lie. I wish this was all bs and I really knew and was just in denial. Its so much more complicated than that. I don't know what God wants to do with it. What He's using for. If He is using it for what I want to think He is than its just cruel and unfair and Gods not like that.
so Im left with an equation that has no answer, with no factors or formuals. Its a complete mystery. I don't even understand myself. God is faithful. Hes all that matters.
1 comment:
Your quirkiness is wonderful! You would not be you if you weren't quirky. My fav is when you forget what you are about to say when you look at my face. Muahahaha!
If you ever need to talk, I am here. You're awesome Heather Cooper!
Peace,
Adam O
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