Me

I am not sure how I am supposed to do this, because he leaves for 12 days and it has been 3 days of that 12 and already I miss him. I feel like I have a disability and that disability is how much I love him. I can function without him, its not about needing him in order for my life to keep moving, but it is like I feel a part missing from me if I cannot reach out and touch him.
The same thing that makes my love for him so perfect is what also attempts to destroy it. I know that if he were to break up with me, cheat on me emotionally or physically, or die, it would all feel the same. It would feel like I was being torn into tiny pieces, and not once but over and over again, and just by thinking about it I can almost feel that pain and it horrifies me. I am so afraid of being hurt that it makes me insecure to the point I am sabotaging the relationship with the one person on this earth that I can and ever will love like this. I am so afraid of that pain, of how such a huge part of me will die and never come back, that I at the smallest hint of rejection from him my whole world collapses and I cry as if it has. He hates it when I cry and he can’t understand it, what has happened that would cause me that much pain?
I am not a weak pathetic person, but I will admit to being afraid and that fear makes me needy and unattractive. A very stupid part of me is convinced that he doesn’t really love me and that at any moment he is going to leave me or find someone better. Then there is the part of me that remembers the summer and when he came home, and how much he loves me, and if I can just be her again, that girl he saw, then perhaps when I do have a bad day he will be willing to just understand and show me the affection I desire. Why would he want to make a needy broken girl feel better? Such displays of weakness are not lovable.
This fear will destroy me and take away the only thing in my life that I love so much it makes me breath, and when he wants to, he makes feel like I have tasted heaven. I cannot inspire him to show me the kind of love that makes me feel like that if I ask for it with uncontrollable tears. I am not stupid and I know what I am doing and what is wrong with me. I now just have to stop. I need to win the fight between myself and this fear or else by trying desperately to keep him I will drive him so far away I will never get him back.
I am not ashamed of the fact that after only 3 days I miss him, because if I didn’t it would mean I did not love him the way I do and if I did not love him the way that I do this whole thing would be pointless. The insecurity, the jealousy, and the way I don’t trust him not to hurt me, all have to stop and I need to chose to be open to that pain I am so desperately afraid of. I know that I cannot live without him, and I don’t mean that in the sense that I would kill myself, but I do mean that I would die, who I am would die. I would have to rebuild myself and that girl would not be capable of the same love, that girl would be scar tissue sown together with barbed wire. I do not want to meet her, or create her. The thought of that girl makes my dreams turn black.
I am unable to be vulnerable with him, I have a hard time letting him know how much he means to me in the fear that it will disgust him, that he will see it as pathetic and not want me. I realize that instead of telling him how much I love him, I have been telling him how much I need him. I have been saying “I need your love and I need your affection or else I cannot function, or else I am not whole” but this is not true, the only thing that I need, is to love him. It is loving him that makes me whole and the rest is mine. The insecurities are mine and he has paid for the ones he has caused. He has watched the pain they have caused and because of how much he loves me it hurts him to see, and I keep throwing them back in his face. It is no wonder he is cold toward my tears and the puddles of insecurities they leave.
How am I supposed to say I am sorry for that? How I am I supposed to say that I have been selfish and only looking at my fears and insecurities instead of accepting that he loves me. Why am I still trying to make him prove it? I keep telling him that he is not enough, when the truth is I could never desire more, ever. I love him beyond thought and beyond words and it is the most beautiful feeling this world has to offer. Beautiful things don’t stay beautiful if you try to cage them up with your own fears and insecurities. I have to let it go, and if I am to get hurt and have to construct that ugly bitter girl, then I will. The fear of her however needs to leave now, because I just hurt him with her. I love him so so very much and he deserves me not what I have been giving him. I don’t even know how to begin to tell him that.

Air

It's like feeling a thousand pounds lift off my heart
Just that one look and my dying heart beats

Backwards

I never write when I am happy. If you want call it happy, however it may just be content. It is very rare that happiness comes to boiling point were you overflow with emotion and desperately desire to express it upon a page. I remember feeling like that before, and writing beautiful ideas and thoughts down on a page, but lately my happiness is rarely that elevated and I am preparing for the next moment, the one that comes after. I am preparing for the moment when the dark emotions come back and it is those I need to spew upon a page.
Right now however, I am happy, there is stillness, everything floats above the shit and just rests breathing in the fresh air. In the back of my mind there is still the stench though, and the fear of falling down again. I was once so happy I felt like my happiness was untouchable and that it came from a world that was incapable of being tainted by the shit of this one, but now to my horror this world moved in on my perfect one, and I have no idea how to get back to what it was before.

Cold

The world does not have time for happy, kind, love, compassion. There are time limits on these things, the necessity to draw back to death, fear, insecurity, anger, hate, impatience, destroys rainbows and green grass and clear waters. Good things, happy things, they are like bastards, illegitimate, lies, no merit can be found in “good” and “happy.” There is no truth in happy, sorrow, anger...that is where you find truth.
This world is black and gray, colors are illusions, escapes from reality to stare at for those moments when the desire is for life to just end. Red is a beautiful lie, love, roses, romance, but those are illegitimate, lies, blood....thats what real, thats what is truth, red is blood, death, pain, dark.
What about green? Grass, trees, apples, eyes, green is fraud, just like blue, and purple and yellow. The world screams for sorrow, anger, fear, lust, hate, these are what is true.
I don’t walk around and see beauty, I walk around and see pointless, happiness is death. I would like to tell them they are killing themselves, if they try to be happy their souls will turn black with the disappointment of its lie. If you let yourself love you might as well place your head on a chopping block, it will gut you, rip you to tiny pieces and no matter how angry and bitter you get...you will still cry and hate yourself for every tear that falls to the ground. Your sorry soft heart should be growing thinker, harder, slowly closing, but instead you learn to lie. Hope is death but you still cannot rip it out, it refuses to leave, you cannot kill it, it rots away at what is left of your pathetic existence.
I hate what I see in the mirror, there is nothing lovely about her, she is weak, dark and meaningless. Her poor sleeping beauty heart cries to be red, green, blue. Why wont she just die, instead she clings to life lying in a frozen meadow of sorrow. Maybe once she forgets what summer is like, what warmth and red are she will let go and leave me alone. Stop begging for someone to show her love, adoration, and delight in her. Her life hurts me, I hate her tears.

Words

Everything is stale, gray and washed out
There is no sounds but dull tones of meaningless voices
I am in a purgatory of stillness
Bound by forces embedded in my being

Everything is pointless
Anything good or beautiful is destroyed
Disgusting delight is found in the destruction of beauty
Or, beauty does not exist, it is a lie

Love is an executioner

Brink of Sleep

Tired.
Thoughts bounce off bones.
My skull feels like fog.

Images pass across my sight.
The memory of sensations rise like waves from my skin.
Everything is so mixed, random, rational does not exist here.

Primitive.
My mind lingers on hardness filling my soft flesh.
Of breath, moans, hands, lips.
Its like sustenance to my soul.

Fog again...
Images of fire.
Heat caresses my skin.
Its cold in here.

Heavy eyes....

Awaken

I woke up.
On Fire.
The Dream had shattered.
Self loathing, inadequacy.

Lovely?
What does that even mean?
Pools of self doubt and streams of insecurity.
Where is my identity?

I gave myself away.
No questions asked, filled with naivety.
My soft skin is enraged with the need to be thicker.

My being is filled, interwoven, entwined, laced.
Can’t protect from what is already inside.
Tears as it pulls and tugs.
Like barbered wire being drawn from by bones.

So much self loathing.
My sea must be perfect.
So much confusion, it must be me.

Light.
Seeps through the cracks in blinding bursts.
Strands of a misty dream.
Pieces of warmth that hinder the cold doubt.

Perfection

I find it completely indescribable the perfection one finds when they have found the person who walks the earth that they were made for. All the corny over used sayings and phrases and references some how make all the sense in the world. At the same time they could never be enough. Love, Soulmate, words that could never describe what it is I feel. I was made for him, and I am with him, how can the feeling that brings ever be put into words, words that could convey this emotion, this new form of existence?

The most beautiful Evanescence song I have ever herd

The words have been drained from this pencil
Sweet words that I want to give you
And I can't sleep
I need to tell you, goodnight...

When we're together I feel perfect
When I'm pulled away from you I fall apart
All you say is sacred to me
Your eyes are so blue, I can't look away
As we lay in the stillness
You whisper to me

Amy, marry me, promise you'll stay with me
Oh you don't have to ask me
You know you're all that I live for
You know I'd die just to hold you
Stay with you
Somehow I'll show you that you are my night sky
I've always been right behind you
Now I'll always be right beside you

So many nights, I cried myself to sleep
Now that you love me I love myself
I never thought I would say that
I never thought there'd be you...

Time Has Passed

It has been so incredibly long since I have blogged. Sometimes I believe I have forgotten how to write, and because of that there is rot encased in my mind. Words and stories that never get out begin to decompose in my mind, leaving me helpless to the toxins they infest me with. I find myself afraid to write, too much truth in words. However safe is not who I ever wanted to be. I can’t deal with the stench any longer. I need to get the rot out. I need to feel some freedom somewhere in my life to speak the scary parts of my mind. However writing stories that are abandoned to my laptops many folders makes me feel even more caged. Again though, writing makes you vulnerable, it’s like stripping naked in front of a crowed and saying “here it all is, what do you think”.
It is late tonight. My mind has lost reason and is simply screaming for release. The tight little box I shove it in, has become open. Night is never good for me. I can remember times when I would write till I had nothing left in the late hours of the night. That was before, that was when nothing I could write would hurt anyone. Nothing I could write would damage anyone but myself. Now I have responsibilities, and have been burned enough times to be wise enough to hide. Yet one of my brutal flaws is honesty. I open myself up for rejection and judgment on a regular basis, with the worse people. Being taught human beings are good is the worst thing to do to a child. Very few people are worth the time, and that’s even more dangerous because their judgments and rejections hurt even more.
I am ranting and not making any sense. I cannot decide what to do. To write or not to write? Who knows, it’s late, and my mind may be different in the morning.
Now the question, if I do decide to write, do I rid this blog of my older childish blogs, filled with little that I am now? Or do I leave them be for comparison? This will all seem so unimportant in the morning.

The ocean

I close my eyes and Im lifted out of this dull forgetful moment
Im brought to a beach filled with smells and sounds of the ocean
The warm crisp breeze strokes my face ,the water licks my feet and sand tickles my toes
The breeze is whispering to me of the beauty that I posses but tend to forget
It blows gently threw my short feathery hair and brushes my silent lips
"Lovely" the ocean sings with each dance around my feet
"strength" the sand speaks as it sinks between my toes
I lift my eyes up to watch the changing colors of the sky as the sun dips into the oceans waters
The colors dance in the green of my eyes and a longing to join the sun on it journey into the oceans depths over comes me
What wonders would we find there?
With each passing moment the waves song grows louder, the oceans presence as engulfed me and I am lost amongst its beauty
The smell of the salty waters draws my fingers to it
I sit at the vary edge of the beach, only my feet and out stretched hand meeting the waters
It plays with my fingers, wetting them with a new grace
The breeze is still playing with my hair
My thoughts go with the waves
The waves fall away from the beach, they take a thought that does not reflect who I am with them
They come in and bring more of the truth of my being, it sinks into the hidden scar's under my skin
This song and dance continues and my soul begins to come out if the shadows of this world
The ocean draws me out of my human flesh, full of fear, and my soul is free to fly amongst the waves
I breath deep

My eyes open again...My pc screen hurting my tired eyes
My dream is over and Im here again, amongst the shadows
This ocean is not lost though
Its what's in my mind
Its what dances deep in my soul
That girl on the beach is me, who is not afraid to unleash her beauty
I cannot linger long in the shallows if my soul
In the play and surface of this worlds thoughts
If it were not for the expressions of these words and for the love I have found
My beauty would surely die within the shallows

Dancing in my dream

A laugh raises from deep within my throat
I have to hold back the desire to mock my past life
My toes are wet with the morning dew
Each drop whispers of the freedom I have found

The sun lights up my eyes and the green reflection dances in the rays
My jail is far behind me and I am now twirling in bliss
The music that’s in my ears is too lovely for me to describe
Love is endless

My happiness is founded in love
I have given up the fight against it
The thickets laced with rules and religion have been destroyed
I dance in the delight of God

I see the beauty in all He has created
No one lacking or better than each other
I smile with the knowing that no one person can love better than an other
I am free now

The endless woods of striving have fallen from my memory
I was so proud, blinded by religion
Every one is equal
No one is “lost”

I smile again
Dancing in my dream
My life is beautiful

I Hurt

This pain is stabbing my chest
I run as fast as my feet will take me
Each thorn of rejection I hit makes tears of love fall from my cheeks
They are piercing my vary soul
They once told me they loved me...
Im not following the "path" Im not perfect
Now these trees bite me with their branches
Slapping words like unworthy and shit across my scarred body
My heart keeps getting wounded...
Does no one know how to love?
Can no one see Im beautiful the way I am
Being who I am
I fall flat in a mud called man made guilt
I struggle to stand up and yet I do
I will no longer let man run my life
These thickets of a lust for authority would try and break my freedom
Im to wild for that
Im to lovely for that!
I wish this pain would go away
Just let me love...please
I bow my head a tears come running down my face
All I want is to be alone and let sorrow overtake me
So thats its storm with pass and I will find myself again
Then I can come to you...how did I ever find you?
Always accepting who I am and never condeming...I thank God for you my love!!

I Am Well

( the spellings horrid, I had no time for spell check today:P)

All the burdens that were pushing on my body have melted away
All the striving that I had been doing is now a goast to me
All the seeking I had been egnoring is now the adveture of my life

I feel so light
I feel the air washing over me whispering words of grace
I feel a calm I have never felt before

Still questions and doubts wirl in my head and heart
Still they some times haunt me
Still however the peace I have about them it sweeter than before

No one tells me who I must be or what I must do
No one can define me, or point at me
No one had a hold on me

I am who I am and not trying to be anything more
I am who I want to be
I am not searching to be found

I peer in on this world and see all its beauty
I look deeper than religion
I look to the sky and watch God

My eyes are always seeing
My heart is always loving
My soul is forever safe in my Fathers arms

Im not falling
Im not fading
Im not hiding

Here I am
Here I am
Here I am

All my wounds and scarrs here for you to see..I laugh anyway
All my sins and shame are here for you judgment..I love anyway
All my questions and insecurties are fresh on my skin..I'll hope anyway!

The beautiful souls on this earth are my delight
No one is ever lost...only hurt and forgotten
What if we dared to love insted of Judge them all??

I am no better than a murderer
I am no better than someone lost in depression
I am no better period

I am lost if they are lost
And if they are lost...then so are you
Live life and love..don't waste your time wondering if your right or wrong

I AM FREE HAHAHA

Random Thoughts With No Direction

What was once crystal clear, now is only fog
What was once a reality is now only a dream
What was once beauty is now filthy

I don't know what I want
I don't know what I need
I don't know what I should do

I can't move backwards
I can't stay here
I can't give up

Im waiting on something
Im watching for something
Im hoping it really is there

Keep your tongue at bay
Keep your mouth closed
Keep your opinion to yourself

Im fed up with anything other than love
Im fed up with hypocrisy
Im fed up with fear

My angry words are the expression of my frustrations
My calm words are the expression of my exhaustion
My bitter words are the expression of my pain

Im seeking for deeper
Im seeking for better
Im seeking for sleep

My spirit is Raging with desires
My heart is conflicted with doubt
My mind is pondering life

The only one Im battling is myself
The only one Im afraid of is myself
The only one Im angry at is myself

Think what you want...I don't give a shit
Think what you need to make yourself feel good
Think what you need to justify your conditional love

If only I knew how to get all that is in me out
If only I knew how to find an ultimate expression
If only I could fight my demons with my bare hands

My soul is to deep
My spirit is to misunderstood
My heart is to abused

Who would dare risk swimming in my depths???
Who would dare play beyond my shallows???
Who would dare fight for who I am???

If all you want is my body...fuck you!!
If all you want is my support...fuck you!!
If all you want is my love...you already have it, so let me live

ITS TO SHALLOW!!!
I NEED DEEPER!!!
I NEED MORE!!!

Where is intimacy?
Where is vulnerability?
Where is fun?

My past is filled with wounds
My past is filled with insecurities instilled
My past is filled with doubt

My thoughts are so confused Im going in circles
My mind is so full its waiting for release
My soul is so complicated I need more

Shh my head hurts
Shh my heart hurts
Shh my eyes are open

All Around Me

I am IN LOVE with this song. Its the ultimate way to describe what God makes me feel by romancing me with LIFE. I love my life.


All Around Me
(Flyleaf)

My hands are searching for you...
My arms are outstretched towards you
l feel you on my fingertips...
My tongue dances behind my lips for you
This fire runs in through my being...
Burning...
I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me,
thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling,
savoring this heart that's healed

My hands float up above me....
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade...
Into our secret place
The music makes me sway...
The angels singing say
We are alone with you...
I am alone and they are too with you

And so I cry...
The light is white...
And I see you...

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me,
thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling,
savoring this heart that's healed

Take my hand I give it to you
Now you own me , all I am..
You said you would never leave me
I believe you, I beleive...
I can feel you all around me
thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling,

savoring this heart that's healed.

I Am Not Afraid

I am not afraid of the darkness
Its fangs cannot hold me captive
Its lust cannot shame me dead
It screams cannot render me deaf

I am not afraid of the wilderness
Its thickets I have beaten
Its mountains I will climb
Its rivers I will wade

I am not afraid of loneliness
Its false reality I see
Its shallow truth I will never believe
Its weak prophetic I see past

I am not afraid of rejection
Its thorns cannot kill me
Its mud cannot consume me
Its fire cannot burn me

I am not afraid of condemnation
Its bounds I have left behind
Its secrets will be told
Its insecurities will end its power

I am not afraid of confrontation
I live off its freedom
I love off its resolutions
I bleed of its truth

I am not afraid of love
My insecurities will not hinder it
My idols will not twist it
My heart will move with it

I am not afraid to change my mind
social games will not cripple me
False commitment will not stop me
Accusations are not my god

I'm not afraid of fear
Of the heat it rises in my heart
Of the pain it causes in my soul
Of the cords it wraps around my neck

I am not afraid
Or at least I tell myself so....

I Am Free

My identity is not bound by rules and regulations.
It has no end or beginning.
Its full of twists and turns and non are ugly.
I am free.

Your words will never hinder my glow
Your condemnation will never force away my love
Your rejection will never kill my beauty
I am free

Amongst the trees and in the grass my spirit roars like a lioness
Amongst my cries laughter flows
Amongst my pain life is dawning
I am free

In my eyes is an ocean of deep
On tongue are words of power and praise
In my feet is destiny walking
On my body are no hands laid
I am free

No more will false morals guilt me
No more will false images taunt me
No more will judgment affect me
I am free

I am wild beyond the fiercest of dreams
I am beautiful beyond the edges of the sunset
I am at rest with who I am
I am free

If you don't like me, I'll love you
If you don't want me, I'll love you
If you don't understand me, I'll love you
I am free

A spring of joy is my heart
A river of compassion is my heart
A ocean of acceptance is my heart
I am free

This religion cannot hold me
This death cannot consume me
This hate will not touch me
I am free

I will not forget who I am
I will not forget what I have
I will not forget
I am free

The wild flowers are my reminders
The eyes of people are my hope givers
The love of God is my Re-newer
I am free

I am free and I will live so
I am free and I will love so
I am free
I am free

Finding My Reflection

I was walking by a stream and dared to look inside
The reflection I saw stunned me
My face was pale and plain and my eyes dim and lifeless
I looked harder, deeper searching for myself
Then across in my eyes faces kept appearing
First it was my fathers
Then it was my mothers
Then it was my brothers
Then it was my sisters
Then it was my first crush by which I was rejected
Then it was my second interest by which I was used
Then it was my third, which saw and loved an other
My face fell, and embarrassment over threw me
Who I am was hidden behind all these faces
The harder I looked the more intense their faces appeared
Their words and rejections started wringing in my ears
Their encouragement (if any) fell into a bottomless pit as I wasn’t there
The deeper I went the more I saw their names engraved on my heart
So much so I could not see any part that had not been written upon
The bad out weighed the good and the definition of who I am was left at their disposal
The terror that over took me brought me to my knees
All my time thus far has been spent searching for one to tell me who I am for the rest of my days
And when all doors are closed and there is no one left
I stand with no identity
I’m faceless
I’m nameless
I’m trying to live on someone else’s identity
Making mine to fit theirs as to never be without a name
My name as been many, but never my own
My eyes fill up and spill over washing away all the other names
The faces slowly start to fade and the writing’s upon my heart begin to wash away
The terror starts to find me telling me I’ll find nothing as I look for myself
I know this is a lie
Its time for me too see all I really am
Its time for me to say my name and know all its meaning
The wonders I will find will not be empty
God does not make anything that is nameless or lost
I am amazing if I would let it out
The words of men will not cage me or define me
The insecurities of women will not brand me or label me
I am who I am
That will always be enough
I’m walking away now
Leaving them all behind
I will return when I find myself
I am hidden in a woods that is deep and vast
I know on the other end there is field vast and quenched
It’s lit by the son himself and flowers grow wild
Pink, purple and white they survive every winter
They can grow on hills and mountains and survive animals treading
So small and delicate with a fragrance sweet
I will bring others there to delight in all its beauty
Before the end I will dance in a field flowing with Heather

Shit

I wish my tears could cure people of illness and heartach
Then maybe all the ones I cry would not be in vain
Chasing after a shadow that has left me shocked and lonely
One crisis ofter another my heart seems to encounter
Each one more strange and unexpected than the last
Yet again Im broken
Shatter across my hands are the sharp percing peices of my heart
My hope hides in the shaddows and Im lost trying to find it
My eyes are blurred with tears and Im stumbling around
Where did you go?
Why me, why does this keep happening to me oh God!!!
Im tired of learing, my heart can't take anymore
No more No more No more
Do hear my crys GOD, do you hear my voice?
I don't even know who I am at this moment Im so torn inside
How are we going to knit the peices back together God?
My needle has gone dull
All my thred as run out and my patches used up
Im all yours God...I have nothing left inside
Im a puddle of tears and blood
I become angry in my pain and frustration
With no one to direct it at
Im done Im finished
Your move