I was walking by a stream and dared to look inside
The reflection I saw stunned me
My face was pale and plain and my eyes dim and lifeless
I looked harder, deeper searching for myself
Then across in my eyes faces kept appearing
First it was my fathers
Then it was my mothers
Then it was my brothers
Then it was my sisters
Then it was my first crush by which I was rejected
Then it was my second interest by which I was used
Then it was my third, which saw and loved an other
My face fell, and embarrassment over threw me
Who I am was hidden behind all these faces
The harder I looked the more intense their faces appeared
Their words and rejections started wringing in my ears
Their encouragement (if any) fell into a bottomless pit as I wasn’t there
The deeper I went the more I saw their names engraved on my heart
So much so I could not see any part that had not been written upon
The bad out weighed the good and the definition of who I am was left at their disposal
The terror that over took me brought me to my knees
All my time thus far has been spent searching for one to tell me who I am for the rest of my days
And when all doors are closed and there is no one left
I stand with no identity
I’m faceless
I’m nameless
I’m trying to live on someone else’s identity
Making mine to fit theirs as to never be without a name
My name as been many, but never my own
My eyes fill up and spill over washing away all the other names
The faces slowly start to fade and the writing’s upon my heart begin to wash away
The terror starts to find me telling me I’ll find nothing as I look for myself
I know this is a lie
Its time for me too see all I really am
Its time for me to say my name and know all its meaning
The wonders I will find will not be empty
God does not make anything that is nameless or lost
I am amazing if I would let it out
The words of men will not cage me or define me
The insecurities of women will not brand me or label me
I am who I am
That will always be enough
I’m walking away now
Leaving them all behind
I will return when I find myself
I am hidden in a woods that is deep and vast
I know on the other end there is field vast and quenched
It’s lit by the son himself and flowers grow wild
Pink, purple and white they survive every winter
They can grow on hills and mountains and survive animals treading
So small and delicate with a fragrance sweet
I will bring others there to delight in all its beauty
Before the end I will dance in a field flowing with Heather
3 comments:
There is a song that I recently learned called "Graven" (I think) which you might find inspiring. I'm pretty sure it's out of IHOP - maybe written by Misty Edwards, but don't quote me on that!
Heather... Your blog is always so emotionally charged, I find myself wrecked each time I visit. I thank you for your open honesty. I thank you that you do not let the hurts of the past prevent you from sharing your hopes for the future.
Mr. and Mrs. Soy also love your blog. They visit often, and we talk late into the night about your thoughts. :)
I love you Heather, and I look forward to seeing you soon.
Peace,
Adam O
Well... What a perfect, and well written self-realization.
Very captivating, very inspired.
It's amazing that you seem to be finding all these things on your own.
As with most of us, much of your identity has probably been covered by years of drama - but your begining to reveal your true self, and it's startling.
Isaac
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