No Regrets

Well after coming to a low of human anger and frustration I have decided that I wouldn't take it back. No not at all.
Its only when I reach that low of complete and utter confusion and frustration that I ever realize anything. So I don't consider it a waste of time, for if I never went there to that place I would never find any destination at all.I would lay in the coziness of a shallow life ignoring all pain and questions. However the extremes it would take to live like that would ultimately bring me faster into desolation then the small trips I take there now. I take those without harming myself with some stupid action or substance. Im grateful for those trips because I challenge God and say " ok God lets go as deep as we can go into my pain and fears. Lets see what you do and if you can handle it." So I go as deep as I can. As deep as my mangled heart will go. Most if this takes place in my journal. When I have written till I have nothing more to write,till all my rants and pains and fears are spilled out in bloody messes all over the pages. Im left softer then when I started. My emotions and thoughts are all now infront of me instend of raging inside me and I can relax for amoment. Take a deep breath and have nothing blinding me from seeing what I am really dealing with. What was producing all these emotions and thoughts and pain.
What do I do once I get there? Then its Gods turn. I have nothing left. Im an open book, I can then be whispered to and written upon because there is no rage or walls left inside me. Im just a weak vulnerable human being who is ready to learn to accept who she is and let it all go. Once I came to that point I hear wonderful things and frightening things.
Forgive and Love. Not just those around me...but me as well. We are all horrid mess's who are we to point it out to someone else when we are just like them. The only thing that will ever matter in this life is Love and learning how to do it. Im ok with my condition. Its sucks most the time but if I can love without expecting it back. If I can be confident in one thing...that I am loved by God. Then I can love all those around me and myself. Because He loved me first.Its so basic but if I were to dwell on it longer this blog would go on forever.
Forgiving Im finding is the hard part. Loving is being vulnerable and I don't know if Im strong enough to be that vulnerable.Im going to start with my family because well thats the most important and the hardest because thats were I got most my wounds. In order to love my family Im going to have to forgive them and ask for forgiveness. Im going to have to expose myself to do that and that's scary. Because no matter how much I "know" my family loves me, showing it is different. I have no idea who most the people in my family are. Im afraid to try and love them because if that love is refused by someone who is supposed to love me unconditionally...ouch. This is my torment at the moment know I need to do this to truly learn to love but I am a weak fearful human being. I have a lot to lose and a lot to gain. Theres more I could say but I don't need to.
Until the next flurry of emotions and frustrations or joy or rage or sadness...well it could be any one and its going to happen. Im never going to "get it right" none of us ever will no matter what we believe in. There is something wonderfully beautiful about human beings in all our aspects. Its something only God truly understands as He made us and LOVES us. So I'll just stare in wonder at it and live this life.
I love you all!