I Am Not Afraid

I am not afraid of the darkness
Its fangs cannot hold me captive
Its lust cannot shame me dead
It screams cannot render me deaf

I am not afraid of the wilderness
Its thickets I have beaten
Its mountains I will climb
Its rivers I will wade

I am not afraid of loneliness
Its false reality I see
Its shallow truth I will never believe
Its weak prophetic I see past

I am not afraid of rejection
Its thorns cannot kill me
Its mud cannot consume me
Its fire cannot burn me

I am not afraid of condemnation
Its bounds I have left behind
Its secrets will be told
Its insecurities will end its power

I am not afraid of confrontation
I live off its freedom
I love off its resolutions
I bleed of its truth

I am not afraid of love
My insecurities will not hinder it
My idols will not twist it
My heart will move with it

I am not afraid to change my mind
social games will not cripple me
False commitment will not stop me
Accusations are not my god

I'm not afraid of fear
Of the heat it rises in my heart
Of the pain it causes in my soul
Of the cords it wraps around my neck

I am not afraid
Or at least I tell myself so....

I Am Free

My identity is not bound by rules and regulations.
It has no end or beginning.
Its full of twists and turns and non are ugly.
I am free.

Your words will never hinder my glow
Your condemnation will never force away my love
Your rejection will never kill my beauty
I am free

Amongst the trees and in the grass my spirit roars like a lioness
Amongst my cries laughter flows
Amongst my pain life is dawning
I am free

In my eyes is an ocean of deep
On tongue are words of power and praise
In my feet is destiny walking
On my body are no hands laid
I am free

No more will false morals guilt me
No more will false images taunt me
No more will judgment affect me
I am free

I am wild beyond the fiercest of dreams
I am beautiful beyond the edges of the sunset
I am at rest with who I am
I am free

If you don't like me, I'll love you
If you don't want me, I'll love you
If you don't understand me, I'll love you
I am free

A spring of joy is my heart
A river of compassion is my heart
A ocean of acceptance is my heart
I am free

This religion cannot hold me
This death cannot consume me
This hate will not touch me
I am free

I will not forget who I am
I will not forget what I have
I will not forget
I am free

The wild flowers are my reminders
The eyes of people are my hope givers
The love of God is my Re-newer
I am free

I am free and I will live so
I am free and I will love so
I am free
I am free

Finding My Reflection

I was walking by a stream and dared to look inside
The reflection I saw stunned me
My face was pale and plain and my eyes dim and lifeless
I looked harder, deeper searching for myself
Then across in my eyes faces kept appearing
First it was my fathers
Then it was my mothers
Then it was my brothers
Then it was my sisters
Then it was my first crush by which I was rejected
Then it was my second interest by which I was used
Then it was my third, which saw and loved an other
My face fell, and embarrassment over threw me
Who I am was hidden behind all these faces
The harder I looked the more intense their faces appeared
Their words and rejections started wringing in my ears
Their encouragement (if any) fell into a bottomless pit as I wasn’t there
The deeper I went the more I saw their names engraved on my heart
So much so I could not see any part that had not been written upon
The bad out weighed the good and the definition of who I am was left at their disposal
The terror that over took me brought me to my knees
All my time thus far has been spent searching for one to tell me who I am for the rest of my days
And when all doors are closed and there is no one left
I stand with no identity
I’m faceless
I’m nameless
I’m trying to live on someone else’s identity
Making mine to fit theirs as to never be without a name
My name as been many, but never my own
My eyes fill up and spill over washing away all the other names
The faces slowly start to fade and the writing’s upon my heart begin to wash away
The terror starts to find me telling me I’ll find nothing as I look for myself
I know this is a lie
Its time for me too see all I really am
Its time for me to say my name and know all its meaning
The wonders I will find will not be empty
God does not make anything that is nameless or lost
I am amazing if I would let it out
The words of men will not cage me or define me
The insecurities of women will not brand me or label me
I am who I am
That will always be enough
I’m walking away now
Leaving them all behind
I will return when I find myself
I am hidden in a woods that is deep and vast
I know on the other end there is field vast and quenched
It’s lit by the son himself and flowers grow wild
Pink, purple and white they survive every winter
They can grow on hills and mountains and survive animals treading
So small and delicate with a fragrance sweet
I will bring others there to delight in all its beauty
Before the end I will dance in a field flowing with Heather

Shit

I wish my tears could cure people of illness and heartach
Then maybe all the ones I cry would not be in vain
Chasing after a shadow that has left me shocked and lonely
One crisis ofter another my heart seems to encounter
Each one more strange and unexpected than the last
Yet again Im broken
Shatter across my hands are the sharp percing peices of my heart
My hope hides in the shaddows and Im lost trying to find it
My eyes are blurred with tears and Im stumbling around
Where did you go?
Why me, why does this keep happening to me oh God!!!
Im tired of learing, my heart can't take anymore
No more No more No more
Do hear my crys GOD, do you hear my voice?
I don't even know who I am at this moment Im so torn inside
How are we going to knit the peices back together God?
My needle has gone dull
All my thred as run out and my patches used up
Im all yours God...I have nothing left inside
Im a puddle of tears and blood
I become angry in my pain and frustration
With no one to direct it at
Im done Im finished
Your move

No Regrets

Well after coming to a low of human anger and frustration I have decided that I wouldn't take it back. No not at all.
Its only when I reach that low of complete and utter confusion and frustration that I ever realize anything. So I don't consider it a waste of time, for if I never went there to that place I would never find any destination at all.I would lay in the coziness of a shallow life ignoring all pain and questions. However the extremes it would take to live like that would ultimately bring me faster into desolation then the small trips I take there now. I take those without harming myself with some stupid action or substance. Im grateful for those trips because I challenge God and say " ok God lets go as deep as we can go into my pain and fears. Lets see what you do and if you can handle it." So I go as deep as I can. As deep as my mangled heart will go. Most if this takes place in my journal. When I have written till I have nothing more to write,till all my rants and pains and fears are spilled out in bloody messes all over the pages. Im left softer then when I started. My emotions and thoughts are all now infront of me instend of raging inside me and I can relax for amoment. Take a deep breath and have nothing blinding me from seeing what I am really dealing with. What was producing all these emotions and thoughts and pain.
What do I do once I get there? Then its Gods turn. I have nothing left. Im an open book, I can then be whispered to and written upon because there is no rage or walls left inside me. Im just a weak vulnerable human being who is ready to learn to accept who she is and let it all go. Once I came to that point I hear wonderful things and frightening things.
Forgive and Love. Not just those around me...but me as well. We are all horrid mess's who are we to point it out to someone else when we are just like them. The only thing that will ever matter in this life is Love and learning how to do it. Im ok with my condition. Its sucks most the time but if I can love without expecting it back. If I can be confident in one thing...that I am loved by God. Then I can love all those around me and myself. Because He loved me first.Its so basic but if I were to dwell on it longer this blog would go on forever.
Forgiving Im finding is the hard part. Loving is being vulnerable and I don't know if Im strong enough to be that vulnerable.Im going to start with my family because well thats the most important and the hardest because thats were I got most my wounds. In order to love my family Im going to have to forgive them and ask for forgiveness. Im going to have to expose myself to do that and that's scary. Because no matter how much I "know" my family loves me, showing it is different. I have no idea who most the people in my family are. Im afraid to try and love them because if that love is refused by someone who is supposed to love me unconditionally...ouch. This is my torment at the moment know I need to do this to truly learn to love but I am a weak fearful human being. I have a lot to lose and a lot to gain. Theres more I could say but I don't need to.
Until the next flurry of emotions and frustrations or joy or rage or sadness...well it could be any one and its going to happen. Im never going to "get it right" none of us ever will no matter what we believe in. There is something wonderfully beautiful about human beings in all our aspects. Its something only God truly understands as He made us and LOVES us. So I'll just stare in wonder at it and live this life.
I love you all!

The honesty of some of whats going on inside my head

“I try to forget you, but without you I feel nothing
Don’t leave me here, by myself
I can’t breathe

I run to you, call out your name
I see you there, further away

What I feel is not you, not love, just nothing”

My doubt is aggravating and disgusting. I don’t doubt that God is real. I doubt if there is any hope for this world. Any hope for me. “I stole their smiles and made them mine I sold my soul just to hide the lies...now I see what I really am a thief, a hore, and a liar.”

Children are so innocent because they have not yet been wounded by human beings. We wound because we have been wounded.
What started this cycle? Pride. It all started with pride. Satan fell because of pride. Woman fell because of pride. She thought God was holding out on her and forgot His awesomeness. Man fell because he was caught up in woman's pride his own pride. He had the most beautiful creation in all the earth as his. He was the MAN but if he rebuked her...whould he lose her?? Then what would he have? He forgot about God in that moment and we have been dying ever sense. That scares me. We became pride full before we fell. Is that our demise? Were we created with a flaw that is eternal? Will we ever understand Love??? Will we fall time and time again? Is it possible to grab a hold of Love here on this earth and live it out? Or will are pride and politics screw us over every time. We are so foolish.
I am so foolish. I hide because Im afraid of men. Literally...men. Im scared shitless of them. This is how I see it at my most terrified point. Beauty inspires strength. Strength also inspires beauty. A woman being beautiful is a woman being a woman to her fullest. She is not worried or afraid. She is strong, graceful, and soft. But what woman would want to be beautiful ( herself, as every single woman on this earth is beautiful) for a bunch of pricks???? This is my question. ( there are some strenght crippling bitches out there don’t think I don’t know that. It just not my focus in this blog)You want to know why I hide behind a mask? Because I wont be beautiful ( myself) in all my freedom and vulnerableness for an asshole. So I spend my time wondering who is safe....who is not....who will hurt me, who will love me? I don’t even mean in a romantic relationship. Guys who are your friends are still guys. It ends up effecting my relationships with my girlfriends when guys are around. Im not fully me.
I don’t know who I can trust with my identity. The more I hide my identity the more unhappy I become. But I will not throw it away to anyone. Why do I long for a guy so much some times? Because then I can let go and be me. However will I still get hurt? It doesn’t matter man of God or man of flesh they all have the potential to be jerks at times.
Then when you do see a man you want to know who you really are.....you feel as though who you are isn’t good enough.
We are so foolish. How does God ever Love us some times I wonder. He offers it all and yet we are so blind. How do we live on this earth? How do we have relationships with one another and not hurt each other so often. How do we keep are eyes on His love and off of ourselves and are foolish minds and social politics??? I have people I LOVE in my life my beautiful girls, ( though Im afraid of them too most of the time) my strong guys, and my family. I would do anything for them, but be me to my fullest. Because Im to afraid of being hurt. I will be vulnerable in moments and in pieces but never bare naked here I am this is me for all to see and judge.
Love casts out all fear.....the trick is finding out who loves you...really loves YOU. That's were the games we play come in. We try so hard not get hurt in doing so we hurt others and the cycle continues. Im so sick of it. I love my friends so much....I would hate to think they needed to hide from me...its not fair. This is so confusing the human condition BAHHHHH.

Who are you to tell me, Im less than what I should be?

My body aches and groans with wounds unhealed.
My eyes spill of sorrows and pains untold
My pain is not valid my heart is to “young”

You can take your thoughts of my inferiority and shove them up your ass
You can take your games to lessen your shame and break them across your back

My heart is young and soft to the touch
My walls were not quite high enough to make me distrust
My eyes saw through a filter of innocence

You touched the most tender part of me and threw it to dust
You made me face a knew kind of rejection and self esteem low

My chest rises with flames of anger
My heart cries out with screams of insecurity
My thoughts are haunted with your corroding memories

You say it was no big deal
You say Im not aloud to me so messed up, Im to young
You have no idea, all of you, no idea.

My honesty is ranting,I will not hide my rage
My inferiority is slipping Im finding myself worth something
My beauty is not to be mistaken for this shell Im in

You see what's on the outside
You have no idea the qualities that lay in the inside
You cannot conceive what's in my depths

My soul is a mystery, my body is not, which takes more of a man?
My glance sets upon every day many pairs of lusting eyes
My heart feels sick to the point of physical disgust

You may think from my ranting I have written you all off
You are greatly mistaken
You do not know of the forgiveness that I can smell

My heart is now in a fight to remain soft
My soul is in a fight to stay open
My self esteem floats to and from me

You see I do forgive you
You should know I still believe there are some that can be who they are supposed to be
You should know that my forgiveness is not found in me, I find it in the One who conquered His flesh.

My soul is being draw into His grace
My heart is being soften by His love
My anger is being replaced by His sweet fragrance

You should know it takes time
You should know I wont heal in a day I can’t wholly forgive in an hour
You should know that I love to much to stay angry forever

(This is an exspression of the struggles I have been having with males lately and the assults of theirs that have befallen me. I don’t hate you all. Im fighting a fight and need to exspress myself. )

Im such a quirky girl...

Im such a flurry of emtions right now. God is doing wonderful things in my life and in my heart. He rising up new things in me and speaking new revalations in me.
Im more free now than I have been in ages.
There is always this one particular situation that arises when I draw closer to God that causes me great suffering. I want to let it go, I want to let its slip into a corner of my mind and dissapear into the abyss. I want to kill it. I want it to die. My spirit is unsettled and I can't grab a hold of an ultimate peace. I want to desire this no more and be completely free. Its not a sinful desire, so Im finding it harder to deal with for that reason. Its just hope for a hopeless cause. Just saying that makes tears leap to my eyes. I can't figure out my own motives behind my desire and that frustrates me. I wish that were a lie. I wish this was all bs and I really knew and was just in denial. Its so much more complicated than that. I don't know what God wants to do with it. What He's using for. If He is using it for what I want to think He is than its just cruel and unfair and Gods not like that.
so Im left with an equation that has no answer, with no factors or formuals. Its a complete mystery. I don't even understand myself. God is faithful. Hes all that matters.

Are your toes wet?

Are your toes wet?

Ok so last night Im at Katie's, people are worshiping and praying and its good, except that Im completely silent.
This might appear to be normal for me, but its a lie. Things were rising up in me and I wanted to scream them out. Speak vision and revelation. Let God use me to unleash a spirit of contending for His presence . To even just cry out for His desire for me. To cry out in pursuit of Him.
Still I was silent. As I started worshiping it got worse. I felt like there was an other person inside me, pushing on the walls of my shell of fear of man, wanting to be unleashed. It would get so bad I could feel it peak in my throat and then as soon as refused to speak, it was if I had swallowed in back into submission and it disappeared. I would start worshiping again, it would happen again...but more intense. Still I wouldn’t speak.
Then “The Vision” was read. I couldn’t speak...I sobbed. There were no words at that moment, only the most intense emotion I have felt it a vary long time. I wanted it. I wanted to grasp that vision and live it. At that moment I realized what was trying to get out of me was me. It was the me that lives only for Christ. It was who God created me to be. The closer I get to Him the more that person comes alive. Its Christ in me. I was beating it down, swallowing it, refusing to embrace absolute beauty and life because I was afraid of all the people in the room. People who are seeking after the same thing!!!! How ludicrous is that?
So many people live this way. Christians. We can’t live a life of sin, we know it doesn’t work. When we get closer to God, to the place were it gets uncomfortable for our flesh we back off. We live this life of mediocre seeking when it comes to God because we are afraid to let our flesh get uncomfortable and die.
Being a servant of God calls for radical, dangerous, Freedom in Christ. Nothing else matters except living for Him. Being walking examples if His love. Our flesh desires acceptance, to belong. I don’t want to “belong” I want to be LOVED. I want to bring light in dark places because I live and breathe Christ. That makes my flesh uncomfortable because I know the sacrifice that's going to have to take place. Its time for our flesh to die. To stop getting our toes wet so we can feel some what alive, and dive in. Am I going to lose a lot...yes more than likely, Im I afraid....YES. However I want it all, I want to be on fire 24/7 with the love of God. I want to content for it. To wrestle for my blessing. He means so much more to me than anything else. This is going to be hard and I might fall down, but I will not stop getting back up. He is pursing me at every turn of my life and I can no longer ignore Him out of “fear of man”.

He Is Faithful

I feel lighter. I feel softer. For the first time in the last 3 months I feel peace. Its so sweet I can almost taste it.
I’ve been trying SO hard to be something, or to not be something, that really I’ve just been trying to be anything but myself. I have been so confused and paralyzed in my own worry and doubt about who I am that I started to doubt all that God has for me. I’ve wanted someone else to tell me who I am so that I could be that person and know I was accepted. I thought I was trying to “better” myself when really I have just been hiding myself out of fear. Then the quest to “better” myself started to lead me to no were but desolation and more fear. I got so confused about who I am, I couldn’t tell what was me and what was the “me” I was trying to be. I was failing at my quest and that's all I knew. So I assumed that because I felt like I was failing all those around me ( Christians) were pointing and saying “ Your not enough”. These are my friends who I love SOOO much and I bought into the lie that they were scoffing and judging me. That they had expectations of me and that I was failing miserably. I don’t know how I got so blind. I don’t know how I became so captive, but I did. I bought the lies I was being sold without even knowing at the time I was doing it.
The devil attacked my weakness’s and from there I fell faster than I even knew I could. I got to the place were I couldn’t even hear truth. People would speak it and I couldn’t hear it because I was so confused. God intervened. It had to stop He had to reach me. He did. All that had confused me all that had held me He demolished in one day. By the simplest conversations with a friend. He knew what I needed to hear, who I would hear it from, and when I was ready to receive it. If it had come a moment sooner or a moment later I would be just as deaf and confused today. God is so amazing!
I want so bad to just be able to rush up to Him and hug Him. To dance for Him to sing for Him. He is faithful. I may no be able to physically hug Him but I can still dance and sing for Him. It makes me happy. Its been so long sense I have felt free from the fear of rejection. Its the most beautiful feeling. I don’t have to strive anymore, my striving was in vain. All that I wanted to attain, beauty, wisdom, strength, I find in Him. He dwells in Me. Its all here, “seek Me with all your heart and you will find Me”. The best part about that “ Im being chased by the vary one I pursue”. I don’t have to better myself Im lovely just the way I am. No longer will I be distracted with striving. Im not seeking God when I think I need to better myself. Im ignoring God when I do that because He made me and delights in me and loves me and that's all I need. AHHH its so beautiful!!! I can hear Him again. I don’t feel the need to hide. Its wonderful, Im so in love! Im in love with the vary essence of love. I feel content and PEACEFUL.
I know challenges will come again, I go from one end of the spectrum all the way to the other. However I learn every time, I get closer to Him every time. He never leaves me. Just when I feel I can’t go an other step He’s right there in front of me. He is faithful.

Shh Its Late

Some times I love staying up late. My mind takes off with me and leads me to one of two places. Absolute desolation or pure optimism. Tonight Im feeling rather optimistic.
With all the pain I have come to encounter in life, my heart stills refuses to let go of the possibility that life holds something mystical and joyful. Some call it denial, I like to call it beauty. Life has so MANY choices and dilemmas and situations that need working out and thought. The pressure to what's right fills every moment. The need to do what's right for my heart haunts me. Stopping me from doing stupid things out of pure overwhelmed “I just don’t know what to do anymore” ness.
I like to put myself in a box. The “heart box” as my beloved Nicole might say. I take all my desires and emotions and frustrations and shove them in a box. I close it up tight and hope for the best. Its products; Depression, bitterness, more frustration, self doubt and over all constriction. I get so unbearably lonely. I try and do something about it, but I can’t because there is no remedy for it. Its a curse that will follow me for some time to come. It scares me to admit that.
However then this is were the optimism comes in. If it didn’t I would just be a basket case all the time and not just most of it haha. I like me, I like even my heart box. Because its all apart of me. Every stupid irrational thing I do reflects me. I am quite complicated and really I like it that way. Every human being is. Though Im the only one that's screwed up in the way I am, because I am the only me. Im the only one who will finds joy in the way I do the in things I do, because I am the only me. Honestly if you don’t think that Im awesome well....screw you because I am awesome.
Someday I will experience my own little taste of heaven on earth. I will fall madly in love. I will be the classic “girl in love” or “twiterpated” ( I watched bambi 2 the other night) I flaunt and laugh and really not care about what anyone else thinks. The best thing I have realized is that I don’t have to wait till I fall in love.
My life sucks so much some times and even when Im happy its just “happy” not joyful. I know that even if Im free and joyful there will be things that will mess it up. No avoiding it, but why not give it a try? Why not try liking who I am? Sounds good to me. Because no matter how sucky this life gets I just cannot give up on the possibility its worth living. That there is something wonderful and beautiful behind it all. Im looking for it and yes I can see it some times. People. I see it in people. I love to explore peoples minds, hearts, and souls. So much beauty there. That's what makes me optimistic.
I still have my defense mechanisms. I do I ever have those. My newest one to add to the collection. Hate. If ya hate em you wont love em! Its working so far. Oh well I’ll worry about those at an other time. For right now its 2 am on a friday night. There is some rather odd music playing on my tv and I feel really good. Just because I have decided to. Because its never as bad as it seems and Im going to keep telling myself that. Im all I need to be......someday....I’ll believe it, for now.......I pretend to. HAHA what I random blog I love it!!! The sweet disillusion of my dreamy mind.
Goodnight

Hungry for Confidence

Confidence. That word seems to be my down fall. Instead of gaining it I slip deeper and deeper into uncertainty. Is it even possible to stop doubting myself? Who I am, what I do, what I look like? I base all I do on the reactions that I get from those around me. Majority winning, passing their judgment, stamping me with there verdict and me not even bothering to question it. It leaves me unhappy and frustrated. Especially when I feel so strongly about what I have expressed. It makes sense to me it, makes me come alive and brings me joy. However if its looked down upon then it must be a mistake.
I struggle with my feelings of inferiority. I feel small, young, and that I could not possibly be confident in myself and my opinions because Im not yet old enough to be a person with knowledge of the ways of life. My opinions and passions are not considered “developed in maturity”.
I have such a passion for relationships and seeing men and women BE MEN and WOMEN to their fullest. I have so many opinion's on this, so much that I believe to be truth. They burn inside of me and yet I cannot share. What would I know about relationships? What would I know about being the man or woman God created us to be? I’ve been in the midst of relationships full of turmoil my whole life. Seeing men and women bound by fear and uncertainty it blinds them for enjoying each other. It robs the men of the strength they have and woman of the beauty they have. I have sought to understand this and how to get rid of it. I could go into all that I have been shown and believe God has reveal to me through all the circumstances I have watched and been in. I have watched far more than I have been in. Im afraid to express my opinions because they really though I find them beautiful and full if life and freedom and nakedness, others might find “scandalous” or “liberal”. However none of my opinions go against any morals we Christians have. Just some if the “boundaries” this society has. How we are bound to these.
This is were my confidence fails. How can I proceed to speak out when few will hear me? I feel like Im being put in a box to be honest! By the people who are supposed to be....haha I don’t know what the frig their supposed to be. Beyond human?? That's a little harsh, however now Im letting my frustration show. Heather's to scandalous, Heather's to open, Heather's to...human.
I feel like Im being told to shut up because what I have to say is scary because its beyond the comfort zone on a personal level and socail some times. I want to say to the church. Stop putting Men in box’s and telling them there to be TAME. Stop putting women in lakes of “innocence” and tell them not to be scandalous, seductive vulnerable and strong. Instead we take this word call “purity” and turn it from being something beautiful and use it as a leash on which leadership can control the young men and woman of their churches.
That was my rant for the night. However its to much...it will be misunderstood by some. So I bottle it up inside and let it eat away at me. What I cannot express leaves me empty. I have no confidence in what Im made of and that enrages me. Im so afraid of being misunderstood. When people make me feel inferior I want to scream and pound them in the chest. “ Can’t you see me!!! Can’t you hear me!! ME!! Respect me, find beauty in who I am. Stop labeling me as something Im not.”
So I reach for some way to validate me. I know who I am in the inside and I take joy in what I find there. Its getting every one else to see it that destroys me. If Im ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL maybe what I say will be herd and respected. Its a sad way to think....and I hate that I feel that way. Like Im not enough when I know I am.
My biggest fear is being outcast by some of the people around me. To have them look down on me and say....”oh Heather”. I fear people see me as the “girlie girl” who loves boys and is a flirt and shallow. The only reason I like to be close guys is because their strength makes me feel at ease. Not because I want to steal them away from their girlfriends or cause the to stumble. Or because I have some sick agenda to seduce them so I can feed off their masculinity. I feel like Im see as the “whore” some times. Obviously not in the physical sense.
My thoughts are getting confused and Im feeling the presser of fear telling me that I have said to much. That yet again I will fail and no one will ever see me for who I am. When I hear people tell me have all it is I need. I want so badly to believe them. I want so badly to let all my fear go and embrace myself...who I am. Im just so afraid to accept myself for who I am incase who I am is wrong. Why do I let my fear of abandonment cripple my vary essence? What am I holding on to?

Bored

Im hiding in the world inside my head and I am completely aware of it. Indulging in my fantasy world were I control all outcomes. Im spending so much time there, away from my friends and family because its boring.
Im bored. I have no objectives, I have nothing to work toward to try and capture. I put my mask on and walk into the life around me without the goal of wanting to take it off. That's usually the goal. We feel like we can’t live without are mask’s but more so we know we can’t live with them. We long to be naked and free. So we search for a person who we long to accept us and love our nakedness as we want to show them we will love theirs. That's the goal, that's the objective.
As of right now Im bored because I honestly don’t care if the people that are around right now see the naked me or not. I don’t feel the want to be vulnerable with any of them. I don’t want to capture any of their attention.
They don’t intrigue me. They don’t have the mystery I desperately seek to find just so it can mystify me. I want to explore and see if I can captivate the unattainable. Right now there is nothing I wish to attain. Im bored. So I live in my head were maybe I can find some mystery some were. I analyze myself and my motives and my wants. Trying to go deeper and deeper into myself just to find something of interest and remembering that I don’t have anyone I care to share this with who would be captivated by it and go back to being bored again.
In my boredom with life I have become a health freak. There's nothing better to do so why not try and reach physical perfection...well maybe not quite that far but almost. So when the time comes and my interest is sparked again and I have some mystery I want to try and obtain at least the outside will meet all the standards. So I fill my bored with sweat and fruit.
I don’t have the want to take any risk in the relationships around me. I feel as if it would be pointless because I could not obtain any unconditional love from it. There are those who are my best friends and Im always open with and naked with. However they are safe and comfortable, this good for the relationship I have with them.
Though Im a person who loves uncomfortableness, who loves confrontation and excitement. Who loves to take risk when maybe, just maybe this risk might be the risk were I capture all I hope to.
There is no such risk to be taken at the moment. I don’t desire to take that risk for a while now. Im still recovering for the last time I took that plunge. So Im bored. I have nothing to fight for nothing in reality that sparks my being to come alive to the fullest. So Im here writing blogs and eating salads. Living in my head and rotting with the dead decaying hopes inside of me. Im bored.......

Im Now a Blogger

Well Myspace blogs were just not good enough anymore. Im always wanting to exspress myself in some way of words and I want a page completely dedicated to that. So here it is. This took me some time to get put to gether and now I have things to do. Some other time I will post something profound and thoughtful.